Do you say YES even when you want to say NO? You're afraid you might offend someone, hurt someone's feelings or be disrespectful by saying no. You think you have to say yes otherwise, there will be consequences. If this is you, then you should definitely keep reading.
I had difficulty saying no to my parents, friends, teachers, and when I grew up, it transferred to the workplace where I couldn't say no to my bosses or even colleagues.
But here's what I realized - by saying YES when you want to say NO, you're disrespecting yourself. You're offending and hurting yourself, not others.
When saying no, one of many fears is that the other side won't talk to you again, will stop being your friend, or that your colleague will get angry at you, and it will affect your relationship with other colleagues. Or worse, you might get fired or lose an opportunity for promotion for good. Let me tell you. It's true but only in your mind. In reality, your worst-case scenario doesn't often play out exactly how you envisioned. Almost never.
Just remember how you feel when you accept to do something you don't want to do at work. Or you receive another task from your boss, and it piles up on an already long list of tasks. You get overwhelmed, swiped with all these tasks. You don't know which one to do first, what should be a priority, and you end up doing the unimportant tasks first, neglecting the ones that really matter and can impact your career.
I know how difficult it is to say no to your boss. So, instead of saying no, you can say something like: "I'm sorry, but this task might have to wait since there are more important ones that I need to finish at this moment. I can finish this task next week or next month. Is that okay with you?" Or simply ask how important this task is right now and what's the deadline. Then, don't be afraid to negotiate the deadline. You don't know if there's room for negotiation if you don't ask.
When you're constantly saying yes instead of no in all areas of your life, it becomes a habit, an unhealthy one, and it usually leads to stress, burnout, lack of self-belief, and lack of self-love.
So, how do you start saying no when your friend asks a favor, when a coworker asks for help or when your boss wants to give you another task?
It is hard at first. It requires going out of your comfort zone, doing something you're not used to doing, and saying something others are not used to hearing from you. So they will be surprised by your answer. But you will be surprised as well. You'll be surprised how easy it actually is and, how aligned you feel with yourself afterward, how calm you feel with the decision you made.
Here's what you can do:
Be honest with yourself
When you're afraid to say no to someone, you're running away from feeling negative emotions. You're not willing to risk the relationship with that person, whoever that person might be - your colleague, boss, friend, maybe even your family member. But when you say yes and you're not aligned with that answer, you're disconnecting from yourself. Just think about that. You are actually willing to risk the relationship you have with yourself. The more you say yes, and you want to say no, the more you disconnect from your true self. You lose yourself in all of those yeses.
So before you say yes or no, listen to what your gut tells you. Then, ask yourself, "Do I want to do this? Do I have time to do this?"
Give yourself time before you answer
I used to say yes right away, without even giving myself time to think. I used to do this a lot until I decided to give myself permission to take the time to think first. So, give yourself permission to spend a minute, 5 minutes, or 20 minutes thinking about the answer before you say yes or no. This will give you space to listen to what your gut is telling you and make a good decision for yourself.
Ask yourself - what's the worst that can happen if I say no?
What am I afraid of? What are some possible consequences? How likely is it that this will really happen? If you think, "I have to say yes, or else..." - ask yourself - do I really have to? or do I assume I have to? Sometimes we're afraid to even consider saying no because we're always imagining the worst-case scenario.
You're saying yes because it's easier than facing negative emotions
In that way, you avoid feeling vulnerable, uncomfortable, uncertain, and scared. If you're saying yes to avoid these feelings, how do you feel while doing something you didn't want to? Stressed? Overwhelmed? Frustrated? Angry? Do you see the circle that keeps you trapped in negative emotions? First, you feel scared, then you feel angry.
But what would happen if you'd be willing to be scared for a few minutes or be in discomfort for a few minutes while you're saying no, and then feel relieved, free, and calm because you did what you wanted and not what someone else wanted?
I'm not saying there aren't situations where you just have to say yes because your boss is giving you an important task, or that help really is crucial for your friend or a colleague. What is important is to recognize situations when you really have to say yes, and those where "have to" is just a trap.
Don't do anything you don't want to. Be your authentic self. Respect yourself more, and you'll see how people will start treating you differently.
You don't want to be a person who's constantly dropping everything she's doing to cater to other people's needs.
You want to be a confident person who values your own time and priorities.
It's okay to say NO!